"Too lost to lose" {ALEX}

[VICTORIA GRACE WATSON]

well this is not for real, afraid to feel. i just hit the floor, don't ask for more. you can't stop the feeling, and there is no reason.

The moment Alex suggested they take a break, Victoria felt like she'd been punched in the gut. The air had been sucked out of her and left a cold, hard ache that seemed to increase every time she tried to breathe. Maybe she was overreacting, but right now she was beginning to panic. A world without Alex was a world Victoria couldn't face. And if Alex left, Victoria was certain Diana would go with him. She couldn't lose the man she loved and her best friend. Couldn't they see she was trying!? It felt like they were both expecting her to suddenly become sober despite the fact that her mother had miscarried, Gabriel had died, and now Lawson and her mother were barely talking to her. She was already feeling lost, and if she lost her friends, she was certain she'd just give up trying to find her way back. Victoria had done something she thought she'd never do: she had begged. Literally dropped to her knees and pleaded with Alex. The rest was all a blur as she struggled to breathe.

Now it had only been a week since they'd taken a break(even though Victoria thought it was more like a break-up), and she was already feeling herself spiral downward again. She'd sent Alex a few texts ranging from casual to almost pleading again, but it wasn't working. Drinking, despite all its negatives, was the only thing Victoria had now. She was pretty sure she was going to flunk out of college, so there went her dreams of being a fashion designer. And as much as Victoria hated drinking, she physically needed to. She'd done some research to make sure she wasn't crazy, and she saw that alcoholics become physically dependent on alcohol. But Victoria still tried to deny the fact that she was an alcoholic. Her argument was weak, though, and she knew it. It was getting tiring trying to ignore the obvious. The fact that Gabriel gave her this stupid gene made Victoria hate him even more. Deep down she knew she only hated his ways and that she shouldn't hate him for giving her the gene (after all, she should've been careful and never taken a drink), but the disease was beginning to control her even more.

That week had been spent in drinking and partying, and by Friday Victoria was exhausted. She tried to go to sleep in her suite but soon she began to shake again. Alcohol was needed so Victoria reluctantly yet hurriedly walked to the nearest club. The bartender refused to serve her after so many drinks and Victoria balled him out before heading to a liquor store. It was so nice to not have to show a fake ID anymore or charm her way into not being carded. As Victoria walked the aisles, memories flashed in her mind in brief but powerful spurts. The room kept rocking back and forth while spinning, causing Victoria to get frustrated at bumping into the shelves. What to drink? She'd had vodka, scotch, and beer… A big bottle of whiskey caught her attention and her mouth began to burn at the thought of it. She hadn't had that in awhile; that would be the perfect last drink.

On the way to the club earlier that night, Victoria made a vow to herself to have one more night of drinking before trying to get herself clean. A week without Alex, on top of the fact that she was losing everyone she loved, caused Victoria to wake up and realize that she needed to do something about her drinking. She didn't want to live like this anymore; she didn't like the person she had slowly become. The young woman staring at her in the mirror was not Victoria, and it was finally time for a change. But she'd avoid rehab if she could. How bad could detoxing be? Sure, she'd read up on it and the dangers, but she was a strong girl. She'd get clean and surprise everyone; she'd show them.

She grabbed the bottle of whiskey and stumbled over to the counter.
"Don't you think you've had enough?" The clerk asked.
"I don't think I've had enough. 'Sides, I'm gettingclean after thisanyway," Victoria slurred.
The clerk eyed her before finally ringing up the bottle. Once it was paid for Victoria hurried (which was not as fast as she'd liked) back to her suite and locked the door. Or so she thought. In her drunken stupor she'd made the motion of locking the door but there was no strength in her grip. She ripped the bottle out of the paper bag -hadn't she told the guy to forget the bag!?- and struggled with the cap. She growled in exasperation and finally heard the cap twist open. Her vision was blurry and her thinking was fuzzy, and of course she could hardly walk. What a way to give up drinking, she thought wryly.

As she drank, she forgot everything she'd done that day and how she even ended up with a bottle of whiskey. But she didn't care, as her shrug so obviously implied. How had she even ended up on the floor? Wasn't she just standing?

Another shrug.

Another swig.

As she began to relax, she felt her eyelids drooping shut. She was about to happily give in to sleep when suddenly her stomach twisted. Great, she was going to throw up. She had to crawl to the bathroom but she made sure the bottle was still in her hand. As she leaned on the toilet seat, she noticed that her gag reflex was weak. Suddenly she began to choke and think that she was going to die until finally she vomited. That had taken a lot out of her and she sighed heavily and felt her head begin to slip off the seat. The rest of her body started to follow and soon she felt the side of her face smack the tile. But the alcohol had numbed her from the pain and she didn't realize her temple was bleeding slightly. As she stared at the wall, she wondered why she was behaving so weirdly. Did she need more alcohol? Her thinking was backwards and caused her to believe that she needed to have more alcohol in order to stop whatever was happening to her. She'd drained the bottle to about halfway and tried to stand up. "Alex…" Her lips were hardly moving. "Mom…" She needed to go apologize to them. She crawled out of the bathroom and as she made her way to the door she felt like she was going to be sick again. Halfway to the toilet, though, Victoria felt a jolt of fear through her brain fog as visions of her life rushed before her eyes. The blackness in the corners of her eyes began to crawl towards her pupils, causing her to be sucked into what she thought was a black hole. She tried to scream "no" and reach out for something to grab onto, but her world went black and her arm fell out in front of her. Her other hand was still clutching the bottle as the cold tile floor pressed against her stomach.

(C) ELLIE @ GANGNAM STYLE

[ALEXANDER EDGAR BRYANT]

Alex stared at the coffee machine as it dripped. It was late, and he needed to stay up. His project for graduate school was due in a few weeks, and he had nothing. Absolutely nothing. Every single time he sat down at the keyboard to try and write, his mind went completely blank. A few times in his life, he had contracted writers' block, but he could still make something up, even if it was absolutely ridiculous. This was far worse than that, and it was beginning to drive him insane. He hadn't slept for weeks, which wasn't good. Sleepless Alex was not a pretty sight. He became someone scary. Someone who wasn't, well, him. His parents joked that his inner sociopath came out during times like this. He was not proud of this side of himself. But he figured nobody was perfect, and this was just one of his imperfections.

He growled as the coffee dripped slowly. He needed caffeine, and he needed it now. Before the pot was full, he removed it from the heater, burning his finger with hot coffee that was still dripping from the machine. "Holy Mary," he shouted allowed, immediately putting his finger under cold water. When the pain subsided, he poured himself a cup and drank it down. He didn't even care that it was hot and burned against his throat. He needed to stay awake. He needed to finish this project. Once he finished his black coffee, he poured himself another and drank it down. He sighed. Hopefully that would do it. Slowly, he walked back over to the piano. He picked up his pencil and went to write, but he couldn't. He blinked a few times, staring back at the empty staff that he swore was staring back at him. He wrote a chord down and then another before playing it out. "Why does that sound so familiar?" he asked himself. Then it hit him. "Alex, you just wrote yourself 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star," in the minor key," he said. 

This was beginning to get out of hand and he knew it. He stood up from the piano bench and sat down on his couch. He had been struggling to write for quite some time, and the pressure of this project was really getting to him. He wanted so desperately to get that doctorate degree so he could be finished with school. He was too old for it and needed to be out doing things. Not spending his time in a bloody classroom, learning from buffoons who were not really musicians. Music theory. That is all they teach. They don't teach anything more than that, he thought to himself. His attitude was poisonous. In fact, he had done something a few days ago he regretted terribly. He had requested a break from the most beautiful and amazing woman in the world, but it wasn't entirely his fault, but he still couldn't stop from placing the blame on himself. 

Alexander still loved her. He knew he'd never stop loving her even if they ended. He had loved her for so long. He had admired her from afar, secretly longing to be with her, but he never said anything. He was afraid to be rejected. After all, a girl like Victoria never fell for a guy like himself. Alas, she had, and now he had requested a break. Why had he done that? He knew why, but he still couldn't believe it. He had caught her drinking one day. Alexander was a patient man. He knew it would take her some time to get over her addiction, but he was beginning to question whether she was even trying. Right now he couldn't handle that. He needed to concentrate on this project. So a few days ago, he broke it off, but he swore it was only temporary, and he meant it. 

He stood up and began pacing his apartment. This arrangement really wasn't working out for him. He looked at the clock. It was an ungodly hour, but he needed to see her. He needed to apologize and get her back. Alex ran to his bedroom and put on a pair of jeans and a button down shirt. He slipped his sneakers on and put on a coat. The Rhode Island air got pretty chilly at night, and the last thing he needed was some sort of illness. He got into his car and drove to Wentworth University. He parked the car in the student parking lot. He walked briskly across campus to Victoria's dormitory. Hopefully she was still awake. He'd feel stupid if she wasn't. 

When he got there, he inserted his student ID which immediately let him in. He walked up the stairs to her suite. Everything was so quiet and it made him incredibly nervous. Alex hated such silence. He almost turned back. After all, if Vic were awake, it wouldn't be this silent. But something made him keep going. He knocked heavily on her door. His brows narrowed when he did not get a response. "Vic," he said, his voice quiet. "Victoria?" This time his voice was louder. "Look, I know we're taking a break and it was my idea, but I don't think it is anymore," he said. "You're probably mad, but will you at least answer me! You're worrying me!" he said. When she didn't respond yet again, he knew something was wrong. Immediately, he opened the door, nearly dropping at the sight of his beloved sprawled out on the floor. 

Without even thinking, he dropped to his knees. "Victoria!" he said loudly. "No, no, no, no," He smelled the alcohol in the air, and he knew she had done it. She had taken it one step too far. He held her in his arms, cradling her like a babe. He did not know what to do. After a few moments, he realized she needed an ambulance. He fumbled for his phone in his coat pocket. His hands were shaking as he called. "Yes, hello. My name is Alexander Bryant. I found my girlfriend passed out in her dorm..." He proceeded to give the operator the information required. As he spoke, he sent up silent prayers. He couldn't lose her, not now, not tomorrow, not ever. 

---

Tags: VICTORIA GRACE WATSON
Notes: this ship is going to kill me

[VICTORIA GRACE WATSON]

And I’m fighting the stranger in my eyes
And I know that only one of us will survive

It's funny how time is different when someone falls asleep or blacks out. The time passed between the closing of the eyes to the opening of the eyes seems faster than a millisecond, but in reality the person could have been out for minutes, hours, weeks; even years. The person could have had a peaceful night of sleep or said person's life could have even been on the line, and if one were to look down on one's self, one would see people rushing to revive said victim.

For Victoria, some of this was the case. She didn't have an out of body experience, but she was out cold for a long time. She was unaware that the man she'd thought had left her forever was now holding her tenderly in his arms and calling for help. She was oblivious to the paramedics rushing into the bathroom while being watched from curious students' windows. Their questions and actions were all lost on her.

The paramedics asked Alex to confirm the information he'd given to the operator, if he knew what had been going on with Victoria during the last twenty-four hours, and exactly when and how he had found her. They lifted her onto the stretcher and rushed her into the ambulance, telling Alex he would need to come along and could ride in either the front or the back. Once in the ambulance, the medics tried talking to Victoria and asked her basic questions, but they received no response. The noisy rush in the small ambulance was silent and unmoving behind Victoria's closed eyes. The medics attached a heart monitor to Victoria's chest and an oxygen mask to her face.
"Vitals are down," one man said, looking at the monitor.
"Breathing is extremely slow," another woman said.
Suddenly the heart monitor began to speed up and Victoria's slight shaking turned into full-on seizing.
"Seizing! She's seizing!" The woman said hurriedly, hurrying to hold Victoria down as best as her strength could allow her.
"Tighten the belts but not too tight," the third man said.
As the woman did as she was told, Victoria's body kept lifting slightly off of the stretcher.
"We need to stop the seizing. I need 5 cc's of benzodiazepines," the first man said.
"Her symptoms show alcohol poisoning, do you really want to risk that?" The woman asked.
"We only have benzos and her seizing is getting worse! Do you want to stabilize her or not?" The first man replied firmly.
The woman stayed quiet while the third man got the shot ready. The first man took the needle and gave Victoria the shot, breathing a sigh of relief when the seizing stopped. The ride was quiet for a few minutes until the woman saw Victoria's chest barely rising.
"Her breathing has become worse. It has to be the benzosm," she said worriedly.
"Give her the AMS," the first man said.
"You may want to look away for this," the woman said, turning to Alex. Then she turned back to help the others place the tubes to help keep Victoria's airway open.

"Heartbeat is irregular," the third medic noted.
"It should regulate once the tubes are in her," the first medic said, still focusing on putting the tubes in.
Without warning, the heart monitor flat-lined. The medics' eyes widened and they all looked at each other. "How is that possible?" The woman wondered out loud.
"It can't be the machine; it's too new. Defib, now!" The first man demanded.
The machine was turned on and the third medic cut open Victoria's shirt. The first medic grabbed the pads and rubbed them together to charge them. "Clear." The charge was sent through Victoria's body and the medics paused to watch the monitor. Nothing. Another charge caused a few irregular beats. Yet another charge, but this time another flatline.
"Come on, work with me!" The first medic said to Victoria. The final charge brought her heart slowly back to life until the beating was slow but stable.
The medics breathed a collective sigh of relief and the first one wiped his forehead with his forearm.

Finally the ambulance arrived at the hospital and the ER nurses and doctor rushed to meet the stretcher halfway through the door. There was so much to be done for Victoria and so little time, so it seemed. The medical team rushed around and told Alex to stay in the waiting room. A few hours later Victoria was in the ICU with tubes attached in what seemed like every part of her body. Since she still hadn't regained consciousness, the doctor went out to talk to Alex.
"Alexander Bryant?" The doctor asked the young man. "That's what the paramedics said your name was, at least. Please, have a seat." The doctor motioned to the chair across from him before sitting down and folding his hands together.
"We have Miss Watson as stable as she can be right now, but it's not looking very good. Her drinking…" He sighed and shook his head. "She's already so young and small. Miss Watson has suffered from severe alcohol poisoning. There was so much alcohol in her system that we needed to put her on hemodialysis. That's when we put a catheter in a certain part of the body and filter the alcohol from the blood through a machine and then return the blood back to the patient." The doctor tried to be as delicate as possible, knowing the description made some people queasy. "It's an invasive procedure so we were hesitant to administer it, but unfortunately she needs it. I'm only telling you this so it won't be a shock when we tell it to her. She needs to know the damage she has done to herself. She also still has a tube in her throat to help her breathe, and a few IVs are in her arms to restore lost vitamins, electrolytes, and sugar from the hypoglycemia caused by the alcohol. A bit later we'll run some tests on her liver and stomach lining and see how her platelet count is." He paused to let Alex take it all in and ask questions if he had any. Then he continued.
"I'm not sure how she will act when she wakes up so I'll ask you this first. She might deny it or she might not. Does she have a drinking problem? There's no way for me to know, either, if she'll want her parents to know what happened or not."

After Alex answered, the doctor thanked him and then stood up. "You can go see her now, if you'd like. Nurse," he looked to the nurse passing by, "how is she? Victoria, I mean."
The nurse's face showed realization. "She's still not awake, doctor, but she is stable."
"Thank you." Then he turned to Alex. "You've heard my description of what had to be done to her, but I don't think any amount of words can prepare you. You will be shocked, but just know that the machines are helping her." The doctor wondered if he should have said anything at all but realized it might have been worse if he hadn't.

There was an ache in her throat, her head, her whole body. A repetitive beeping sound would have annoyed her if her brain wasn't so tired. Finally she mustered up the strength to open her eyes and the first thing she saw was bright lights. Was she dead? A few blinks showed a ceiling and when she moved her eyes around she finally recognized that she was in a hospital room. What had she done? She couldn't really remember anything and it was beginning to frighten her. A slight look to her left showed a machine with tubes containing a red liquid. Was that blood? It was so quiet in here save for the heart monitor, breathing machine, and the constant hum of the machine with blood. Was that her blood? She tried to move her head but was severely limited. But suddenly she saw a familiar face to her right and she smiled ever so slightly, as the tube was limiting her mouth's movement. She tried to speak to Alex but something made her voice get stuck. She looked down and her eyes widened at the tube in her mouth. Now she was beginning to panic. What was going on!? She looked up at Alex, frightened tears forming in her eyes.

(C) ELLIE @ GANGNAM STYLE

[ALEXANDER EDGAR BRYANT]

Alex sat in Vic's suite, holding onto her tightly. He did not care that she smelt of a brewery and looked like death. To him, she was still the beautiful woman he had fallen in love with. He was not crying yet because the shock of everything hadn't set in for him. He knew once he realized there was a chance she wouldn't wake up, he'd be a sobbing mess. What would he do without her? That was something he didn't want to think about. She wasn't only his girlfriend, but one of his best and closest friends. He'd be lost without her. Within minutes, the paramedics had arrived. They had to pry her away from him. Alex did not want to let go of her; he was afraid what would happen if he did. A part of him believed she'd likely disappear. One of the medics had to explain to him how touchy the situation was and that every second mattered. Reluctantly, he released his grip. He stood up and followed the medics out of the dorm, ignoring the curious eyes that were staring at them. He could not watch as they tried to stabilize her. Once they got to the ambulance, he stepped inside. 

It hit him as the medics began using their fancy equipment, using terminology he couldn't even begin to understand. It started subtly. A few tears rolled down his cheeks. His hand reached out to grasp hers. He refused to look away from her, even when the medic suggested he did. He couldn't, but as they began inserting the tube, he immediately wished he had. The silent tears that were rolling down his cheeks turned into sobs. He realized there was a good chance he'd loose her tonight. He grasped onto her hand so tightly, he was likely crushing it. One of the nurses had to pry his hand away from Vic's as they delivered the shock. Just when he thought all hope was lost, his eyes perked up at the sight of her chest moving up and down. There's still hope, he told himself and wiped away his tears. 

He let out a sight of relief when he saw the lettering for the hospital. He followed the paramedics down the hallway but was told to wait outside the room. He was expecting that, but that didn't mean he liked it. He watched through the window, helplessly, as they tried getting his beloved back to normal. A few hours passed. Alex had remained stationary. He was in some sort of stasis. He didn't want to leave this spot, not when there was so much he could lose. The sound of his name got his attention. He turned around. "Yes," he said, trying to regain his composure. He followed the doctor into the waiting room and took a seat. He had seen this scene play out in bad movies all the time. The outcome was never usually good. 

Alex listened to the doctor's words. He was not a med school student, nor was he scientifically minded at all, but he was smart enough to understand what the doctor's words meant in general. "Yes," he said, looking down at the ground. He was surprised at how quickly he was able to say it. He knew Victoria would curse him for answering the doctor's question like that, but he knew this was quite possibly the only way to save her. "Yes, she does have a drinking problem," Alex said. "I maintain that she's had it for quite some time. She promised me she was going to get better and quit, but she hasn't. I've been concerned about this for a while now," Alex said, his words holding only the truth. "H-h-her mother will want to know. Has anyone called her?" Alex asked. 

He leapt out of his seat when the doctor said he could go and see her. He bared in mind what the doctor had said about Victoria's state. Alex had seen some awful things in his life, but he knew this one would probably take the prize. His eyes widened at the sight of her. He blinked a few times as he tried to fully register what he was seeing. He took one small step into the room and then another. He sat next to her and took her hand again. This time he was gentle. "Hey," he said. "Don't be scared," he said, his voice soft. "You've gotten yourself into an interesting predicament, Victoria Grace," he said, gently stroking her hand with his thumb. "You've suffered from severe alcohol poisoning. The doctor gave me all these fancy terms that I don't know a thing about, so I'm not going to repeat them to you. But I will say one thing, you have to stop this, Vic," he said, serious now. "I can't lose you."

---

Tags: VICTORIA GRACE WATSON
Notes: this ship is going to kill me

[VICTORIA GRACE WATSON]

A monster, a monster, I've turned into a monster

There was no sign of surprise on the doctor's face when Alex said Victoria had a drinking problem. "Well now she might have no choice if the psychologist decides that she needs treatment. This sounds like it could be a wake up call. And don't worry, we'll have one of the nurses get in contact with her mother. This is a very good thing you did, Mr. Bryant; it's a good thing Victoria has you."

The panic gripping Victoria's chest began to let go of its harsh, strong grip when Alex began to speak. Victoria had always loved his voice; it had always calmed her. His touch also seemed to bring her a lot of peace, and for a few brief moments she forgot she was in a hospital and didn't care where she was. Her heart fluttered slightly when Alex said her name, but soon her eyes widened ever-so-slightly as Alex explained what happened. Now shame outweighed the panic and she couldn't look Alex in the eyes. She knew it would be impossible to cry with the stupid tube in her throat, but she couldn't stop a few tears from falling. She swallowed nervously as best as she could and nodded her head slightly at Alex's last words. She really hadn't tried to get alcohol poisoning, and she was beginning to see that she needed to stop. And she was going to. She needed to tell him. Was there a pen around? She rolled her eyes when she didn't see one. The best she could do was look back at Alex with a sorrowful, regretful expression and hope he knew how sorry she was.

As if in answer to her prayers, a nurse came into the room and went right to her. "Just here to check your breathing." Then she smiled after examining Victoria. "Wow, it's actually a miracle: you don't need the tube anymore. I can take the tube out now, but you might throw up. It will be uncomfortable."
Victoria thought about it. She was terrified and wished she could be knocked out since she hadn't felt it go in, and she wanted Alex with her. But she didn't want him to see her get sick or get queasy himself. She knew if the tables were turned she'd want to be there to support him, but she didn't want him to see anymore that what he'd already seen. Victoria tried to speak again, forgetting that she couldn't. She was told to blink twice for yes and once for no. The nurse asked her a question about taking the tube out now and Victoria blinked twice. Then the nurse asked if she wanted to be alone for the procedure. Victoria looked over at Alex, deciding what she wanted. She gently squeezed his hand before looking back to the nurse and blinking once.
The nurse nodded and waited until Alex was out of the room before calling in another nurse. It was one of the most miserable times of Victoria's life. Breathing out of her mouth only helped slightly as the tube was pulled from her throat, which in turn tried to expel the intrusion by forcing it upward. It only took about five minutes but to Victoria it felt like hours as she choked and coughed. She ended up vomiting a little bit because of the gagging but the nurses reassured her before cleaning up and leaving, telling Alex he could head back in. But Victoria didn't want to face him right now. She took a few sips of the water the nurses left for her and sighed. The tube had made her throat extremely dry, but at least it had helped her breathe. Now she had a small oxygen tube under her nose but that was just fine so long as she didn't need the tube again.

When Alex came back, Victoria looked away. "Don't look at me. Please," she weakly rasped out, wondering if it was even audible. There was still so much to process and Victoria didn't know how to even begin to… To do what, exactly? She wasn't even sure what she was supposed to do to fix this, or untangle this… She couldn't even find a word for it. She took a shaky deep breath and fought away the urge to fall back asleep. Well, a 'thank you' would be a good place to start. "Thank you. I don't know all you did, but thank you." Then more tears began to fall, but still she couldn't look at Alex. She hated herself for putting him through this. He must really want to get away from her now. If not, then he most likely didn't want to be her boyfriend anymore. Not that she could blame him; she wanted nothing to do with herself anymore. "I don't even know where to begin… I don't even know if you will believe me. I didn't want any of this." She motioned around the hospital room. "This whole week consisted of me not knowing what to do because you were gone. Then I decided to have one last drink before I began the detox to become clean. I wanted to go see you after I was clean. But I guess I thought I didn't have enough alcohol…" She shook her head, hating herself more with every word she said. Finally she managed to look at him, but she focused on his hair. "How long have I been out? How did you even find me? I have no idea what happened."

Did her mom know? Oh she really hoped not. She really just needed some time to think and let this whole thing sink in before getting yelled at by her mother. And she wouldn't be able to face Lawson since she knew his opinion on alcohol. Victoria decided to look Alex in the eyes and immediately regretted it. It didn't take long at all for her to see the innocence on his face, the worry, the exhaustion. He almost didn't look like himself. The fact that she had done this to him was almost too much to handle. She could feel her heart breaking as she began to sob. "I'm so sorry, Alex. I hate myself for doing this to you." She buried her face in her hands and her shoulders began shaking.

There was so much more she wanted to say but she felt like she didn't deserve to. All she knew was that if she lost Alex she would die. And she most likely would, because Alex was probably tired of all of this. Her broken promises, the drinking, the different person she became when she needed a drink or was drinking.
"You've seen me in a situation I thought I'd never be in, and one that I definitely didn't want you to see. I'm a monster. I've turned into a monster."

(C) ELLIE @ GANGNAM STYLE