Ellen stared at herself in the mirror. Her long auburn hair was pinned back, out of her face. In a few moments, her mother would be coming in to weave a sprig of Lily of the Valley into her hair. It was a simple style but it fit her wonderfully. She was not wearing a veil today. She felt that it wouldn't be appropriate. Everyone knew she was not innocent, nor was this her first marriage for that matter. Hell, she was remarrying the same man. She felt a veil would look stupid. She looked over at the bouquet of lilacs sitting in a vase. Lilacs weren't her favorite flower. She didn't hate them, but she didn't love them either. But they looked good against her lace white gown and they smelled divine. Her skin was clear and her makeup simple. She looked good. To the naked eye, one might even say she looked perfect. But anyone who knew her well enough could tell something was missing. There was no bridal glow. At least it wasn't as bright as it should have been. This should have been the happiest day of her life. Well, at least one of them. But joy was not the feeling she felt. She felt like there was a bottomless pit in her stomach, and it made her feel sick. She had a headache as well. From the previous night's incessant drinking. Her cousin had taken her out for "one last night of freedom." Ellen thought it was a bad idea. She was already aware of the prison she'd be locked up in once she said her vows. She had done it before. But her cousin insisted. As a result, she got roaring drunk. She would have slept through today had her mother not dragged her out of bed this morning.
She looked down at her left hand. The ring was huge. It was too big for her. When she complained about the size of it to her friends, they looked at her like she was insane. Yes, it was a beautiful ring. It was probably a very expensive one too. But it wasn't her. But she knew that was his way of saying he loved her. It was a status symbol, and it yelled "here I am! I am a famous neurosurgeon and I can afford a rock the price of a house." This whole wedding in general just wasn't her. If she had anything today her way, it would have been a simple marriage in a small cathedral with her friends and family. She didn't want a big production with "this famous doctor and that colleague and this senator and that distant college friend." It was humiliating to her. Especially since the two of them had gone through this thing once before. But he insisted. "We had debts and loans when we were first married. I couldn't give this to you, so I'm giving it to you now," was what he had told her. But what if she never wanted this? Even if he could afford it?
So why had she agreed to all of this in the first place? If she was so miserable why had she said yes when he popped the question? Well, she wasn't completely miserable. When he walked back into her life two years ago, it wasn't unpleasant. It was quite the opposite. He appeared to have changed quite a deal. He didn't drink much anymore and he appeared to be genuinely interested in fixing the disaster that was their relationship. She had been very adamant about not going back with him. At the time, she had been dating Lawson and was quite happy. But when Natalie found out her father was back and pining after her mother, the idea of getting "mommy and daddy back together" became irresistible to the teenage girl. Ellen didn't want to abide her daughter. But Gabriel had trapped her. He had asked her to dinner, and Ellen really wasn't in a position to decline. They clicked just like old times and it felt good? Was good the word? Ellen wasn't entirely sure what it was she felt to be honest. Everyone around her poked and poked and poked her. They told her it would be sweet and appropriate to give Gabriel another chance. She rejected this idea outright. Lawson was good to her he had never hurt her like Gabriel had. But the idea soon became like a plague. It grew on her. The whispering in her ear became impossible to ignore. Then Gabe showed up at her house one day. All dressed up, vying for her affections. She couldn't say no. She didn't know why she couldn't say no, but she couldn't. And before she knew it she was engaged again. That was a year ago.
In that year, she hadn't heard from Lawson. She wondered how he was. Sometimes she'd even imagine him whenever she was with Gabriel. Over time, she began to feel like she had made a horrible mistake. When it came time to plan the wedding, her heart was not in it. She let her mother take over the majority of the planning. So instead of simple and traditional, she ended up with something absolutely over the top. Her mother had booked their reception for the New York Botanical Gardens and she was to be married in a gorgeous cathedral in the city. It was probably all going to be very beautiful, but none of it was her idea. She talked with Kathleen about what was going on with her. Nothing seemed to help her though. She just felt like she had totally screwed everything up, especially the week before her wedding. Her mom was ecstatic over this wedding, which really didn't help her. Not only would Ellen be disappointing Gabriel and his family by backing out, but her own mother would probably hate her.
She jumped a little bit when she heard a, rather obsessive, knock at her door. She stood up and walked over. "I'm coming," she said, her eyebrows were narrow in confusion. Who could possibly be knocking at her door like this? Nervously, she placed her hand on the handle and turned it. She was completely unsure what to expect.
Post by LAWSON RAYNARD ANDREWS on Jun 22, 2014 22:31:16 GMT -5
When Ellen had told him that she was going to remarry Gabriel, Lawson thought it was just a joke. After all, they'd been really happy together. Or so he thought. When Ellen told him she was serious, Lawson felt like he was going to be sick. He can't remember what he'd said, but they most likely weren't the best. After all, he was heartbroken. But he wouldn't attempt suicide again. No, that he couldn't do. A few times during the year he'd thought of getting back together with Evelyn but he knew he couldn't do that. He loved her now as a good friend, and nothing more. He couldn't put her through a repeat of the past; then he'd be as bad as Ellen. Yes, for a whole year Lawson was angry with Ellen. But could anyone blame him? Everywhere he looked he saw her, and soon the only time he went out of the house was for work and grocery shopping. A few weeks after Ellen had told him about her plans, Lawson received a call from Victoria. She was livid and told Lawson that he'd better go and get Ellen back. But it was impossible, and he told her that. If someone didn't work through her past then the minute her past came back she would go running to it.
Lawson had been suspicious of Gabriel's intentions and he didn't believe that his brother had changed that much. His gut told him something wasn't right and he tried to tell Ellen that, but she wouldn't listen. So now here he was, sitting on the couch and reading an old history book. His phone beeped and his heart skipped a beat because he thought it was Ellen. That happened a lot, too: a knock on the door, a phone call, or a text would make Lawson think it was Ellen. For the longest time Lawson had to remind himself that they were over. For a few months he felt guilty for not talking to her, but he told himself he needed to cut ties with the whole family. He hadn't even spoken to his parents when they told him they were going to attend the wedding for "appearance's sake". When Lawson opened his phone he saw a text from Victoria. Wedding is mid-morning today. I'm not attending. Please don't give up on her. Fix this.
Lawson sighed and put his phone down. He was at a loss for what to do. It was no lie that he wanted Ellen back desperately, but he was still so hurt. However, as he thought about it more he began to worry. This could be the last chance he had to get through to her and ask her to come back. After asking Victoria for the address, he bolted out of the door and raced to his car. The drive seemed to take forever and he kept anxiously looking at the time. He pulled into the parking lot with a squeal and almost forgot to turn the car off. He ran into the building, ignoring the ushers telling him a wedding was going on. Was he too late? "Where's Ellen?" He asked his mother. She seemed surprised to see him. "Lawson-" "Mom, please, I don't have much time," he said impatiently. "I believe she's still getting ready." "Don't tell Gabriel I'm here." That was the last thing they all needed.
He ran in the direction his mom was pointing and knocked on the only door there. His heart was pounding as much as his fist was on the door, and if it wasn't for the adrenaline coursing through him he'd have felt the pain in his hand. When the door opened and Lawson saw Ellen standing there, the air was sucked out of his lungs. She looked absolutely stunning. Just like she'd have looked at their wedding. He almost walked in and shut the door, but he thought the better of it. "Ellen! Please, I need to talk to you." He was desperate.
Post by ELLEN ELIZABETH WATSON on Jun 23, 2014 0:53:11 GMT -5
more than a shot in the dark
This whole entire thing was very confusing to her. Was marriage supposed to be confusing? Ellen wanted to say it wasn't. When she went through this the first time, she had been so sure of herself. She loved him so much and he loved her. Back then they were meant to be together. Things were different then. But did that mean they were meant to be together now? Ellen wasn't sure. But she couldn't turn back now. Not when all of the preparations had been made. She was in her wedding dress for God's sake and everyone was expecting her in a good half hour to go out there, say her vows, and become "Mrs. Ellen Andrews" all over again. She rubbed her temples, trying to work out the headache. Hopefully Gabriel wasn't expecting much after the wedding. She was probably going to fall into bed and sleep. Sleep sounded so beautiful right now. So, so beautiful. If only she could just put her head down for a little bit. But she couldn't. If she fell asleep, she'd never wake up. Before long, the incessant knocking on the door prevented her from doing much of anything. Well, it did help worsen the headache she had. Hopefully whoever was behind the door was here for an emergency/very, very good reason. Or else Ellen might have a bridezilla moment.
When she opened the door, she was not expecting to see him. It took her back and it nearly knocked her off her feet. She took a very visible step back, eyes wide and everything. "L-L-Lawson, what are you doing here?" she managed to get out. She was at a total loss right now. "You need to leave," she said, but her voice held no conviction. In fact, her eyes were begging him to stay. She stood there in a stasis, caught between so many emotions, she couldn't even pinpoint exactly how she was feeling. A few seconds passed, but it felt like hours. She realized they couldn't stay like this, and it was apparent Lawson wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. She looked around, hoping Gabriel wasn't coming around the corner, or her mother. That would be bad.
She bit her lip and motioned for him to come in. "Don't stand out there. He'll see you, and I would prefer for you to keep your face intact," she said. Perhaps it sounded sarcastic, but it wasn't. Ellen was being very serious. She knew Gabriel would not restrain himself if he saw Lawson here today. He'd destroy his younger brother as if it was an attempt to "preserve her own honor." "What do you want, Lawson?" she asked as she ushered him into the room. She paused to around the corner before shutting the door and locking it. "Lawson, if you're here to do something crazy, please don't. I can't do this right now. There's a room full of people out there expecting me to come out in a half an hour. My mom's coming to put a flower in my hair. You really can't be here right now," she said.
Post by LAWSON RAYNARD ANDREWS on Jul 13, 2014 1:02:28 GMT -5
If Lawson had forgotten that he wasn't supposed to be here today, he'd have been hurt by Ellen's reaction. But he'd been expecting her to be shocked; but he wasn't going to call ahead of time- she might not see him. The way Ellen just stood there after unconvincingly telling him to leave caused Lawson to be even more anxious. He also looked around for Gabriel and others, breathing a sigh of relief when he didn't see anyone. He just looked at her anxiously while he waited for her to invite him in; he didn't need to just walk in, that would be rude. He huffed out a laugh and stepped inside. When Ellen had told him to leave, it had sounded like she didn't really want him to. If that was the case, Lawson was relieved; he'd expected her to scream at him and tell him she never wanted to see him again. Although he wasn't sure why he'd think that- after all, he hadn't done anything wrong. Not that he knew of, anyway. Maybe Gabriel told Ellen lies and made her believe him; he was really good at doing that with people.
"What do you think I want?" The question wasn't bitter or biting. In fact, it was actually pure curiosity. Why would he be here? "Oh, you know, I just wanted to come watch my brother steal you away from me. Of course, I can't put all of the blame on him. After all, it's not like he kidnapped you. You agreed to marry him." Now some of the hurt was coming out in dry, sarcastic humor. "Why did you agree to marry him again, by the way? Was it something I did? I know we've had our differences but I didn't think you'd go back to Gabriel. Of all people! You don't need me to remind you of all the things he did to you, do you?" He was actually concerned that Ellen needed reminding. "Look I would be lying if I said I wasn't here in the hope of getting you back. But I definitely will not leave without some answers. If your mom or anyone else comes in, I'll hide in the closet or something and leave later. But I just need to know why."
He paused, trying to fight back the lump in his throat and the knot in his stomach and the ache in his chest. "Why did you leave me?" Even he winced at the weakness in his voice. He was trying to act strong, but maybe Ellen needed to see his tears to believe him. Did it look like he was dying without her? Because he was. "I tried living without you once, Ellen; I don't think I could do it again." He stopped. "I know I can't do it again." He felt the tears well behind his eyes and he blinked a few times, looking Ellen right in her beautiful blue eyes. "When you left… When you told me that you were going back to that pitiful excuse for a man, a part of me died. It was just ripped from me; half of myself was torn from me and left to just die, Ellen. And don't tell me I'm being dramatic because I'm not. I'm describing to you in full detail exactly what happened. Not because I want your pity, not because I'm trying to convince you to come back to me -I want you to do that by your own choice- but because I want you to see exactly what you're doing to me. So you can know that my love for you isn't a lie like his is! He pointed towards the door.
Post by ELLEN ELIZABETH WATSON on Jul 14, 2014 4:43:10 GMT -5
more than a shot in the dark
She stood in front of him, her arms crossed. Her face was calm and collected, icy even, but her heart was beating so quickly. She was screaming on the inside. Everything was so confusing right now, and she didn't like it. Honestly, she wanted to run away and hide. She didn't want to marry anyone at this point. But she knew she couldn't do that, not when everyone was expecting her to go out there and say her vows. Goddamn vows that I didn't even write, she thought to herself. Ellen had, humiliatingly, gotten her vows off the internet. She didn't know what to say. Was there really anything to say? "Gabriel, we screwed up badly enough the first time, let's give it another go?"
Ellen glared at him when he asked her why she thought he was here. "You really need to go," she repeated. "I'm serious, you're only going to get yourself into trouble," she added, turning around to sit down on one of the chairs. "That's not fair!" she said, at his words. "You make it sound like I'm committing a crime by remarrying him," Ellen said. She sighed as he continued on. She had a feeling he was going to ask questions. A part of her did feel like he deserved answers to them, but another part of her wanted him to just stop talking. She gently rubbed her temples. The headache was beginning to worsen. "You didn't do anything," she said, her voice tired. "This was all me," she said. "Now, will you please go?" she asked. She knew that her lazy answers wouldn't be enough for him, but she was really beginning to feel sick.
She stood up and turned away from him. She took a few deep breaths. Was it hot in here? Because she was sweating. Immediately, she turned when he asked why she had left him. "I didn't leave you," she said. "I broke up with you, it's not exactly the same thing," she said. Ellen knew she was probably being cruel to him, but it was only to keep herself from feeling too much. The last thing she needed was to feel even more conflicted. "You can't possibly love me that much! It's impossible," she said. "It just is, and it makes no logical sense. Lawson, you have to listen to me, you're better off without me," she said. "I'm marrying him because it's the right thing to do. He's changed. I swear he has," she said, trying to convince even herself.
Ellen sighed heavily. "I'm being stupid. You know I don't believe any of that," she said. "Look, I can't do this right now. I really can't. They're expecting me," she said. She blinked a few times to try and ease the pain of her headache. "Dammit," she said as she took out a bottle of pain killers from her purse. "As you can see, I'm feeling a bit under the weather today, and you being here is not making this any easier," she said as she swallowed the pill. She reached for one of the glasses of champagne her bridesmaids had left for her and gulped it down. "Fuck. I'm marrying him again," she said, nearly forgetting Lawson was still in the room.
ELLEN ELIZABETH WATSON: That sounds familiar. I used to be that way. I still am, but I've learned to let go a little.
Sept 18, 2013 22:33:39 GMT -5
EMMA GRACE DANVERS (GOODMAN): Alec is too good to me, how did I deserve him. I'm such a perfectionist that I am afraid to screw up
Sept 18, 2013 22:30:10 GMT -5
ELLEN ELIZABETH WATSON: Everyone screws up. I've screwed up so many times I can't even keep track, but you just have to pick yourself up and learn to forgive yourself which can be the hardest thing to do
Sept 18, 2013 22:28:38 GMT -5
EMMA GRACE DANVERS (GOODMAN): Thank you so much Ellen. I know Alec is there to encourage me, but sometimes I feel he's put me on this great mother pedestal. I'm afraid of screwing up.
Sept 18, 2013 22:25:29 GMT -5
ELLEN ELIZABETH WATSON: I wouldn't worry too much Emma. You're very maternal, something I never was, and I managed to do it alone. If you ever need to talk about parenting, I'm always here
Sept 18, 2013 22:10:52 GMT -5
EMMA GRACE DANVERS (GOODMAN): I'm just worried about being a good mother. Since my own mother is no longer here to advice me. I just want to do her proud *nervous look*
Sept 18, 2013 22:09:25 GMT -5
EMMA GRACE DANVERS (GOODMAN): well I think Alec will be worried when it comes to that age. He'll probably buy a shotgun and ward off any boy who comes a courting.
Sept 18, 2013 22:08:32 GMT -5
ELLEN ELIZABETH WATSON: -laughs- you don't have to worry about that for a while. I told Victoria when she was going into sixth grade, but I think it also depends on the child
Sept 18, 2013 22:07:23 GMT -5