always starting over [kathleen] Jul 17, 2014 3:40:08 GMT -5
Post by ELLEN ELIZABETH WATSON on Jul 17, 2014 3:40:08 GMT -5
Ellen felt like she had gone through hell and back. She couldn't believe she had actually done it. The more she thought about it, the more she hated herself. What had gotten into her? She was racked with guilt, but she wasn't about to tell anyone that. Call it twisted, but she was trying to convince herself that she had done the right thing. After all, she had caused so much misery in so many people's lives. Lawson was better off without her. He didn't see it, but she believed that firmly. And since he was so insistent about staying with her, this was the only way. Not only had she hurt Lawson, but she was a pretty crap mother as well. Marcus was so miserable in the life he had, he tried to take his own life, and she couldn't help but blame herself. She was his mother, after all. It was her responsibility to make sure he was doing alright. Everything hurt so much. Her thoughts were filled with all the mistakes she had made in the past, and she just couldn't shake it. She was possessed by the ghosts of her past.
She had been in the hospital for a week now. She was stable, but the doctors wanted to monitor her. She knew she wasn't going to try and kill herself again. Not when she regretted it so much already. But she didn't expect the doctors to believe that. They wouldn't be doing their job properly if they let her go home immediately. She was also being fed minerals and vitamins to get her strength back up. The Prozac had caused her to stop eating. People claimed it was anorexia, but Ellen thought that was ridiculous. She didn't think she was fat or overweight at all, she just wasn't ever hungry. What was wrong with that? The nurses all claimed she had lost twenty pounds. She refused to believe that. Little did she know, that was the truth.
Her visitors were few. She didn't want people to see her in this pathetic state. She was even uncomfortable with her own children seeing her. But she couldn't refuse them, not after the hell they had already been through. She stared at the half dead vase of roses that were on the table next to her. They were so sorry looking. Actually, they reminded her a bit of herself. She was half-dead, yet a part of her was still alive. She felt like her mind and soul were at war with each other. It left her weak and helpless, and she hated it. As if she didn't have enough pain in her life. She looked up when the nurse entered the room. "Ellen, you have a visitor," the kind woman said. Ellen continued staring at the vase of flowers. "She really wants to see you." Ellen glanced at the nurse and nodded. Perhaps a visitor was something she needed.
When she saw who it was, her eyes widened. "So, you've come to see pathetic, old me," Ellen said, her eyes going back to the dead flowers. "I thought you'd given up on me like everyone else," she said.
Tags: KATHLEEN ELIZABETH CHAUCER
Notes: oh boyz