Post by ELLEN ELIZABETH WATSON on Jul 12, 2014 2:26:42 GMT -5
She stared down at the pill bottle, her blue eyes blank. She studied the label on the prescription: Watson, Ellen. Fluoxetine. To be taken once in the morning and once at night. She looked up into the mirror. At her gaunt, pale face. She looked awful, nothing could convince her otherwise. Everything seemed to be spinning out of control, and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't seem to put her life back together. She realized now, she hadn't ever put her life back together. She had merely patched herself up. But it wasn't enough to keep herself from hurting. Oh how she hurt. Every part of her hurt, but at the same time, she felt nothing. A shaky breath escaped her lips. Nothing was going right. She had lost so much, too much, and now she felt like she was beginning to lose herself. Ellen had always been different. She knew that. High School had been tough for her because she didn't fit in anywhere. And then when she came home, all she ever wanted was her mother's love and attention. Instead, she always came home to the wall of ice that was Alyssa Watson. She knew her mother loved her in her own way, but it was never enough. She envied other girls who had mothers who actually felt something. She promised herself she'd never be that kind of parent. But she was. Godammit, she was. She had tried so desperately to be a good mom. Someone her children could come to if they needed to talk. A soft place to land. A place to hide should life get too unbearable. She had tried so desperately hard. So, so, so hard. Victoria was her first. The first years were not so difficult. She was her beautiful daughter, and she never thought of her as less than that. But her husband never thought of her as anything more than a dependent he had to write on his taxes. Then he ripped their daughter away from her and along with that, any chance she had at becoming maternal God, Ellen hated him for that. By the time she had Marcus and Natalie, she was disinterested in being a mother. And Gabriel was cold hearted. Looking at the three of them, she knew she had failed. Marcus wanted to kill himself, Victoria had developed her father's disease, and Natalie was too eager to please. When she found out she was pregnant with Lawson's baby, she thought God was giving her a second chance at being a mother. But she had been such an incredible fool. God hadn't given her a second chance at being a mother, he was punishing her for being an absolute pathetic excuse for a woman. She was so useless, she couldn't even keep it alive. Her body physically rejected it, and it very nearly killed her. It wasn't fair, but when was life ever fair? She turned the water on in the bathroom. Gently, she placed her hands in the ice cold stream and splashed her face. The sparkle of her engagement ring caught her eye. She had removed it for now. They weren't happy with each other right now anyways. She knew there was a possibility they'd end, and she didn't want to fool herself, or to give herself false hope. It was her fault. She couldn't just trust him. She wanted to, but she couldn't. Not after Gabriel. She was so petrified of being hurt again. It was debilitating, really. The day she caught him cheating on her had easily been the worst day of her life. For every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year that she had been married to him, she had been faithful. Hell, he had been the only man she had ever been with. Yet he had taken to the beds of other women when things began getting tough in their marriage. She knew in her gut that Lawson was different, but she still couldn't trust him. And again, it all came down to her. It was her body that rejected their baby. Her trust issues that destroyed their relationship. Her lack of affection that drove Gabriel to cheat. Her maternal deficiency that screwed her children up. She placed one of the green and yellow pills in her mouth and swallowed. She abhorred being on medication. Most days she felt it didn't help at all. Actually, it made her feel worse. She hadn't eaten a full meal in months, she had constant headaches, and spent the majority of her days laying in bed. She put the bottle down and stepped back. She felt a sob push its way from her mouth. She covered her mouth as tears began to roll down her face. "I hate myself," she said to herself. Her hands were shaking uncontrollably as she reached for the pill bottle again. She stared at that same label: Watson, Ellen. Fluoxetine. To be taken once in the morning and once at night. Was she really going to do this? could she really do this? She uncapped the bottle, her hands still shaking. She poured the contents of the bottle onto her hand. She stood there, grasping the tiny pills. She hated herself right now, for even thinking about doing this. It was selfish, she knew it was selfish. She'd be leaving behind three children and a man who loved her. But that was one of the reasons why she had to. They were all better off without her. So instead of thinking on it any more, she put the handful of pills into her mouth and swallowed. |
credit to alisha of adoxography.