Post by LAWSON RAYNARD ANDREWS on Jan 26, 2014 0:19:00 GMT -5
Lawson had barely recovered from the scene at Evelyn's office and he wondered how he was driving. His body was on automatic and it was like he was watching everything happening outside of himself. He managed to make it home and he opened the door, waiting for Ellen to get home after him. There was another fight coming; he could sense it like an animal could sense a brewing storm. He was annoyed that Ellen was acting the way she was, but he wasn't angry. Yet. He knew that eventually during the fight he would snap but he wanted to prevent that from happening for as long as possible.
He had planned on telling Ellen about Lily, but they never had the time for him to sit her down and tell her. This wasn't something you just mentioned in passing, and he'd make sure to argue that point until Ellen could see reason again. And Lily had cancer, so how was Lawson going to tell Ellen that? Well that would wait until later. It really wasn't her business, anyway. Oh, and did she happen to forget that she'd lied to him and gone to see Gabriel? That made his blood boil.
She could have told him where she was going. And she left her engagement ring behind. He could understand some of that: not wanting Gabriel to know she was engaged, but a part of him felt betrayed. If she'd told him why she was leaving her ring behind he would understand because they'd both talked about it. But a one-sided decision to just leave a sign of commitment? Lawson couldn't understand that.
Post by ELLEN ELIZABETH WATSON on Jan 26, 2014 0:37:33 GMT -5
Unbelievable. That was the only thing she could think as she drove home. She was fuming from anger. How could he have known about this for weeks and neglected to tell her? After all that they had been through. The thought of him having a child with another woman plunged the knife in her heart even deeper. Especially after losing their baby. Ellen honestly didn't know how she was going to handle this situation. She didn't know what to do. Obviously she was furious, but she knew she'd have to forgive him eventually if this relationship was going to continue. And the thought of a breakup made her sick.
She took her time driving home, and even stopped for gas. Ellen wasn't in a rush to see him at all, and she figured it would be best to let him think about what he had done wrong. It made sense in her insane mind. When she finally did pull into her driveway, she had no idea how to approach this situation. The rational side of her mind was telling her to calmly work it out, but emotionally, she was unstable. She was practically breathing fire, and anger always trumped logic.
She got out of the car and slammed the door before storming into the house. "Where are you?" she said, going through the kitchen, looking for him. When she finally saw him, all she could do was stand there and glare at him. "What the hell is wrong with you?" she asked. "When did it happen? When exactly did you find out?" she asked, her expression demanding an answer.
Post by LAWSON RAYNARD ANDREWS on Jan 26, 2014 0:47:21 GMT -5
As relieved as Lawson was that Ellen hadn't come home immediately, he was just as worried and anxious. Not only did he want to get this over with as soon as possible, but what if Ellen had done something crazy and gotten herself hurt? He glanced at the clock. He'd give her another twenty minutes before trying her cellphone. He sat on the couch and waited, different scenarios playing out in his mind until the door interrupted his thoughts.
He sat up and glared at her. "Nothing is wrong with me!" Maybe he'd forgotten to tell Ellen about finding out about Lily when he caught her lying and going to see Gabriel. He wouldn't bring that up yet, though. It was too soon and Ellen's anger was too fresh. "When did what happen?" His tone was sarcastic. "When we were at the mall and I went to get coffee, I saw Evelyn there. I was going to tell her about you right away but then I saw Lily. So we talked and I found out she was mine."
Post by ELLEN ELIZABETH WATSON on Jan 26, 2014 1:03:22 GMT -5
She shook her head and smiled dismissively when Lawson claimed nothing was wrong with him. "Sure," she scoffed. "How could you hide something like that from me?" she asked angrily. "You asked me to marry you while you knew something this important," Ellen was fuming just thinking about it.She shook her head when he explained when he found out. "We were out together when you found out? You went out to get coffee with her while we were...." Ellen just couldn't grasp what was going on. She was too mad to make logical sense out of it.
When he said that Lily was his, it felt like a dagger pierced her heart. "Do not call her yours around me. Not after what happened," she said coldly. Ellen didn't even really care if it was unfair to deny Lawson the right to call Lily his daughter. "I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe you have a child with her," it hurt so much. It was like his daughter was a reminder of everything she couldn't give him. "Do you have any idea how this makes me feel? Or do you not care?" She felt like she couldn't breathe. "Do you still love her?" she asked, her eyes brimming with tears. She wasn't even sure if she wanted to know the honest truth.
Post by LAWSON RAYNARD ANDREWS on Jan 31, 2014 22:53:10 GMT -5
"I wasn't trying to hide it from you!" Oh shoot. He had forgotten, hadn't he? But still… "Oh wow Ellen, really? I was proposing to the woman of my dreams. Things that weren't as important slipped my mind." He felt a bit guilty for basically saying that Lily being his daughter wasn't that important, but at the time nothing had been as important as proposing to Ellen.
"Yes. Remember when you told me to go shopping by myself for awhile? I ran into Evelyn and it would have been rude to just brush her off. Plus I figured it would give you time to shop without me." He doubted that would help his case, but it was worth a shot. His eyes narrowed and he failed to see her point of view at the moment. "Ellen, no. Don't start this again. That's not fair; Lily is my daughter and I can call her that if I want to." He had to keep from rolling his eyes at her next words. How could she be so hurt when he was the one who had to look at her kids all the time and know they were his brother's?
"Do you have any idea how this makes me feel?" He said firmly, placing a hand on his chest to make his point. "I have to look at the three children you had by my brother. How do you think that makes me feel? I have to deal with that every. day. Ellen. I do care how you feel, but you have to understand how I feel, too." He sighed and shook his head. No, he didn't still love Evelyn. "Why do you even have to ask that?" He was hurt. "If I still loved her do you think I would've asked you to marry me while knowing she was back in my life?"
Post by ELLEN ELIZABETH WATSON on Jan 31, 2014 23:55:20 GMT -5
Ellen honestly couldn't believe after all they had been through together, they were going to fight again. And suddenly she was frightened again just like she was at the beginning of their relationship. She was afraid when they did get married, it would turn into fight after fight after fight just like Gabriel and her. "It's sort of an important thing to just forget!" she spat at him. That reason just wasn't good enough for her. That excuse only worked for something unimportant. This wasn't unimportant, and his excuse only made her angrier for some odd reason.
She rolled her eyes as he explained what exactly happened that day. "Oh so it's my fault because I asked to split up?" She knew that was way out in left field, but when her temper started getting worked up like this, she said the most ridiculous things. "When I said split up, it meant grab lunch or shop in places you want to shop. Not chat up your ex-girlfriend that you almost married, oh and happen to have a child with," she said, fire clearly in her voice. Icily, she glared at him when he asked her not to start this again.
Something inside of her snapped when he called Lily his daughter again. It was the final straw. "I. Lost. Our. Child," she said slowly, making sure every word was heard clearly. "I lost our child not even a month ago. But she could give you a daughter. She gave you something that I can't. She gave you something that I LOST!" Ellen said, tears rolling down her face. It was unfair, and it plagued her with jealousy.
His next tirade pissed her off even further. She couldn't even speak, she was so mad. All she could do was stand there fuming, waiting for the bomb to finally go off. "You are unbelievable," she said softly, her voice sincerely hurt. "If it's so difficult for you to even look at my children...why are you....why," she couldn't even form complete thoughts she was so infuriated. "It was you who fell in love with a married woman. You knew being with me meant being with my children too. You always knew that, it was never a secret," she said, her voice shaky. But she didn't know about his child. That didn't mean she wasn't in love with Lawson anymore because of that. She was just so mad that he'd keep a secret so huge from her.
Perhaps if she was in a sane state she'd believe his words, but she'd gone berserk. "Well I don't know!" she said. "How can I tell? You went out for coffee and have a kid with another woman, for all I know I'm being fooled," she said, her voice almost mocking. "Maybe you're having an affair. Maybe asshole really does run in the family," her words were venomous.
Post by LAWSON RAYNARD ANDREWS on Feb 2, 2014 17:07:04 GMT -5
The idea of their relationship consisting of only fighting hadn't crossed Lawson's mind yet. But if it did keep happening then he would definitely have something to say about it. He rolled his eyes at her and shook his head. There was no way he was going to win here. "No, that's not what I'm saying. It only happened because we did split up and I ran into Evelyn. That's all." He could hear the fire in her voice but it didn't scare him.
He winced when she reminded him that their child was lost. "You didn't lose it!" He said firmly, but he knew it wouldn't make any difference. But now he knew why Ellen was so upset that he had a child by Evelyn. He could see where she was coming from now, and the fact that he didn't know how to help get over that made him even more frustrated. "I don't look at it the same way you do, Ellen," he said, voice at a normal volume. "I don't look at it like she gave me something you couldn't."
He sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "That's not what I meant! You know that! I could turn the tables, you know. I could ask you why it's so difficult for you to accept what Lily is. But you've already given me that answer. And don't put all the blame on me. You fell in love with me, too. Or is that all a lie? I did know that I'd have to see your children, but I could accept that. And you know what? After spending time with them I got to love them more. Not get angry that they were Gabriel's and not mine."
Wow, she went off the deep end now. Her words cut and he narrowed his eyes at her. He had to keep from shouting, but it was difficult because he was so angry and hurt. "You know I'm not like my brother," he said, his voice a bit louder. "The fact that you'd even say that cuts deep. But while we're playing the blame game, how do you think I felt when I saw the ring I gave you on the counter the other week, hm? You told me you were going out with Kathleen but I knew where you'd been. You'd gone to see Gabriel. Why did you hide that from me?" Betrayal was evident in his tone and everything that he'd kept hidden under the surface after that day was now bubbling out.
Post by ELLEN ELIZABETH WATSON on Feb 2, 2014 19:34:50 GMT -5
Ellen still felt like he was attacking her with his words, but she refrained from arguing anymore about the day he met up with Evelyn. It felt so trivial when compared to the secret he had hidden from her. She wanted to slap him when he insisted she didn't lose the baby. It made her so mad that he couldn't just accept how she felt about the issue. "You didn't carry around a life inside of your stomach! You don't have to deal with the fact your body rejected a living thing," she said, her voice breaking. "I have to live with that guilt every second of the day, and it hurts so much! And it hurts knowing you have a child with another woman because that's something we'll never have."
She shook her head when he insisted he didn't look at it the same way. "That's because you haven't spent enough time with her! And once you do, you'll understand what it means! You and Evelyn made a life together! She is part you and part her," she said, tears starting to roll down her cheeks. "I wanted that! I wanted to have your child," her voice was so desperate.
Her lip quivered as she listened to him speak. She felt so incredibly weak right now. She was ready to retreat to her bedroom and hide, but she knew that would only make her look even weaker. "I fell in love with you because you didn't keep secrets from me! I fell in love with you because you were honest," her words were soft. If she was sane in this moment, she'd understand where he was coming from. But she wasn't sane right now. "I can't! I just can't right now. I can't accept her, I'm still recovering from losing our baby. I wish to God I could, but I just can't," she said, shaking her head.
She narrowed her eyes when he claimed he was nothing like his brother. "I used to think that, but now I'm not so sure! Because I feel like I've had this fight before only with him," she said coolly. But his next words struck another chord, and she felt both mad and guilty at the same time. Ellen had no idea why she had left the ring behind. She didn't know what her intentions were. Lying to him was so unlike her, but her ex-husband made her do many things that were out of her character. "I don't know!" she said, clearly confused herself. "I don't know why I did it. It was stupid! I shouldn't have lied! I shouldn't have even gone, but I couldn't help it," she said.
Ellen let out a shaky breath of air, and looked down at the ground, and then back up at him. She quickly dried her eyes. "I don't know what's wrong with us, Lawson," she said softly. "Maybe we need to take some time off and think about what we really want," she whispered, her eyes welling up with tears again.
Post by LAWSON RAYNARD ANDREWS on Mar 11, 2014 23:49:17 GMT -5
As Lawson listened to Ellen explain how much she was hurting, he had to will himself not to feel helpless. This was her battle and he'd tried to help but she wasn't letting him. There really wasn't anything more he could say; she wouldn't hear him. "I wanted that, too," he admitted. "But I'm not blaming you for something you had no control over." He hoped she could hear the hinting in his voice. He had no control, really, about knowing that Lily was his daughter. "Ellen I am honest! I didn't lie, I just waited to tell you the inevitable. But I waited because I didn't want to hurt you. Think about it: you weren't going to tell me you went with Gabriel because you knew it was stupid and I didn't need the pain, right?" Gosh he hoped she could see, even just for a moment, what he was saying.
He could see that Ellen clearly didn't have anymore strength to fight and if it didn't stop soon he was going to end it. She didn't need to exhaust herself over nothing. "Honestly Ellen, when I first found out Lily was mine, I did see part of me and part of Evelyn. But not in the way I'd see our child. When I look at Lily, I see my daughter, yes, but I don't think of anything in the past. It's hard to explain, and I really wish I could. Hopefully someday you can see what I mean. I'm not asking you to accept her right now. I know it will take awhile. But I'm asking that you at least don't take your anger out on a poor little girl who's innocent in this whole thing. And you never have to see her. I promise. There's no reason for you to." He didn't mean that negatively, and he made sure his reassuring tone proved that.
"So now Gabriel had a child with another woman?" He asked, almost in disbelief. Now he wouldn't put anything past his brother, but in the moment it seemed like just another ploy for Ellen to use in the argument. Ah, his reminder had struck something in her. Good. Maybe it'd get her to think. "Right. So we've both made mistakes with our significant others recently." He wasn't talking about Lily, though. He was talking about the coffee at the mall. And hopefully Ellen could understand in the future after some therapy, but Lawson felt like this whole thing had happened for a reason. Possibly to bring them closer together even though right now they were falling apart. He just had to cling on to that desperate hope in order to stay calm. And the whole situation with talking to Evelyn again was completely different. She'd never abused him and the poor woman never got much of a closer with him nor an apology when he wasn't depressed. She deserved that much, just like Ellen deserved an apology from Gabriel. In fact, he realized that he might have subconsciously talked with Evelyn because he imagined Gabriel apologizing to Ellen. That was part of the reason, perhaps. Maybe one day she'd realize that.
Her words said what he knew, but he didn't like to hear them out loud. If they didn't say anything, it would go away. But he knew that wasn't true. It was possible that right now this was the best thing for them: air the fact that they had problems in order to take care of them as soon as possible. There were many analogies to be made, but that was for a later time. "You're right," he said weakly. "I already know what I want, Ellen. I want you. But right now we're both too thick-headed to change our thoughts, and we'll get nowhere." This was extremely hard for him to admit, but he knew it was true. If they didn't get help, they would end. "I'll sleep on the couch tonight and leave tomorrow, if you want. But know that I will come back." He squeezed her hand gently before releasing it and going upstairs. He'd wanted Ellen to know that he wouldn't leave her. He was really tempted to sleep on the couch until they were better, but he knew he had to clear the area. Thankfully the fight had ended for now and they could hopefully get some rest.
ELLEN ELIZABETH WATSON: That sounds familiar. I used to be that way. I still am, but I've learned to let go a little.
Sept 18, 2013 22:33:39 GMT -5
EMMA GRACE DANVERS (GOODMAN): Alec is too good to me, how did I deserve him. I'm such a perfectionist that I am afraid to screw up
Sept 18, 2013 22:30:10 GMT -5
ELLEN ELIZABETH WATSON: Everyone screws up. I've screwed up so many times I can't even keep track, but you just have to pick yourself up and learn to forgive yourself which can be the hardest thing to do
Sept 18, 2013 22:28:38 GMT -5
EMMA GRACE DANVERS (GOODMAN): Thank you so much Ellen. I know Alec is there to encourage me, but sometimes I feel he's put me on this great mother pedestal. I'm afraid of screwing up.
Sept 18, 2013 22:25:29 GMT -5
ELLEN ELIZABETH WATSON: I wouldn't worry too much Emma. You're very maternal, something I never was, and I managed to do it alone. If you ever need to talk about parenting, I'm always here
Sept 18, 2013 22:10:52 GMT -5
EMMA GRACE DANVERS (GOODMAN): I'm just worried about being a good mother. Since my own mother is no longer here to advice me. I just want to do her proud *nervous look*
Sept 18, 2013 22:09:25 GMT -5
EMMA GRACE DANVERS (GOODMAN): well I think Alec will be worried when it comes to that age. He'll probably buy a shotgun and ward off any boy who comes a courting.
Sept 18, 2013 22:08:32 GMT -5
ELLEN ELIZABETH WATSON: -laughs- you don't have to worry about that for a while. I told Victoria when she was going into sixth grade, but I think it also depends on the child
Sept 18, 2013 22:07:23 GMT -5